Thursday, September 22, 2011

How To Succeed in Advertising #1

Park Well.

Advertising, as you hopefully already know, is all about creating impressions, and a surefire way to create an impression is to work hard. But there’s more to working hard than just sacrificing everything in your life, to your clients. You need to be seen to be driven and motivated in your job. Your driving should reflect that. Not just on the road, but how you abandon your vehicle on the road when you arrive at work.

The first thing you need to know is that your vehicle must be parked outside the agency. That’s a bold italicized must. It doesn’t matter if you have a car park in your contract and you leave it empty while others struggle to find a park. Fuck them. The closer, the more obvious the park, the better. You don’t have time to walk 23 metres and pass through security doors! Hell no! You don’t have time for that. Your clients need you.

Your car should occupy a spot as close as possible to the front door. It indicates you arrived at an unbelievably early hour. If you can secure the spot usually taken by the adjacent baker, it means you were here very early and are the most committed person in the agency.

Another great way to show how you put your job before everything else in life, including your safety, is to park your car recklessly in that front spot. On an angle. Leave your door ajar. Make it clear if you screeched into it at great speed, then jumped from the moving vehicle to get into work, such was your enthusiasm to get into the office. Park as far from the curb as you can. Block the road if necessary. An All Staff email asking whoever owns the VW Golf in the middle of St Georges Bay Rd to move it is going to send a pretty clear signal your job matters more than anything. Fuck it, sometimes, when deadlines are pending, just drive into the fucking agency. Slam it straight through the wall. But do remember to notify the alarm company.

Protip #1: Road Cones: Carry road cones in your car and mark out a spot the night before. That way you can sleep in a bit and avoid complete insanity. Almost.

Protip #2: Every now and then leave your lights on. If someone notices you can loudly announce that you arrived before dawn. If no one notices it’ll run your battery down and you can send an All Staff email drawing attention to your early arrival and ask if anyone has jumper cables.

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